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Kentucky: Known for his controversial views on everything from civil rights to whether or not Rand Paul should be institutionalized (he says no, I disagree,) “Doctor” Rand Paul burst onto the national stage after winning the Republican primary against anointed establishment favorite Trey Grayson. Paul’s win is attributed largely to the Tea Party, a group that makes “Doctor” Paul look like a rational human being. The national political establishment was shocked that this outsider son of a Texas Congressman beat the Washington elitist candidate and Paul’s explicit endorsement of a powerful segment of the Republican base only made his win more surprising (that makes sense right?). “Doctor” Paul took all of his momentum moving forward and bolted out of the starting gate before making the crucial mistake of turning right in this metaphorical horse race, running straight into a metaphorical brick wall, cracking his metaphorical skull and spraying his very metaphorical brain across the metaphorical race track. By brick wall I mean The Rachel Maddow Show, by race track I mean civil rights and by brain I have no idea what I mean. In his appearance “Doctor” Paul tried to clarify his position on the civil rights act. It had surfaced a few days before that he did not necessarily agree with every part of the 1964 Civil Rights Act, so he was forced to use his appearance on the show to defend and clarify his position that he agreed with most of the law, but not the substantial part. Private property rights, according to “Doctor” Paul give the owners of private establishments the right to refuse business to anyone regardless of reason and the federal government has no business legislating on what happens within a private establishment. Setting aside for a minute the racial element, the good “Doctor” is essentially saying that whatever happens in private businesses is entirely up to the discretion of the business owner. With that in mind, I am going to set up a private corporation with the sole purpose of throwing eggs at “Doctor” Paul. You may not approve of my egg throwing ideals, you may even consider me a discriminationist (I discriminate against people who favor allowing discrimination) but you can make no legislation preventing the hurling of eggs as long as it is done through a privately owned business. Egg throwing is something I hold close to my heart and there is no reason the government should be able to regulate it. On a more serious note, this ideal would give private restaurant owners the right to do literally anything to their customers as long as it happens within their establishment. I can now be legally assaulted, robbed or murdered if it is done within the attacker’s property. OK, so that was the argument without the racial elements, but racism is inextricably linked to the issue. I will stop short of calling “Doctor” Rand Paul a racist, but I may wink suggestively while nodding in his direction and silently mouthing “racist.” Seriously, can he really expect us to believe that it is entirely an arcane philosophical issue that makes him want to allow discrimination? Either he thinks we are stupid or he has a very limited understanding of history, because this was not a hypothetical situation for people in the 60’s and earlier. Real people were really discriminated against by real private companies and if Rand Paul opposes the law that stopped this it either means he has no idea that it happened or he wants it to happen again. I imagine that somewhere along the line to becoming a “Doctor” he had to take a gen-ed history class that at least skimmed the civil rights struggle, so I have a hard time believing a plea of ignorance (not to say he isn’t ignorant, just that he knows this one particular set of facts). That means that given the choice, Rand Paul would not have stopped private companies from denying service to black patrons and whatever his personal views on race may be, that makes him a racist, or maybe not wink-wink nudge-nudge. If you’re wondering why I have been putting “doctor” in quotation marks this whole time, it’s because the title is debatable. “Doctor” Paul is an ophthalmologist certified by the National Board of Ophthalmology, so there should be no question, except that the American Board of Ophthalmology is the service that usually certifies ophthalmologists. That latter board has not offered its approval to the “Doctor,” but that should be no issue, because the other one did, there’s nothing wrong with getting certification from one group competing with another, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s unqualified. Well, the reason it is worth looking into, is because the head of the National Board of Ophthalmology, that august body that certified “Doctor” Paul, is a Kentucky man who goes by the name of Rand Paul. That’s right, he is certified by a board he founded. Let that sink in, this man is performing surgery on people’s eyes with a certificate likely scrawled on a restaurant napkin. With more thought, I realized that this was actually quite brilliant. Thanks to his example I am now a “board certified” brain surgeon, mortician, lawyer and priest, meaning that I can operate on your brain, pronounce you dead, defend myself in the inevitable (and frivolous) malpractice suit and spiritually council myself in prison.
I should be fair, you don't need to be board certified to practice medicine and Rand Paul does have a medical degree which he certainly did earn. That does not dismiss the ridiculousness of him claiming to be board certified. I could say so much more about Rand Paul, but I still have to get through Missouri to Wisconsin and Sharron Angle waits ahead. Today is my last day interning at ADA, but I will either continue to post from offsite or get someone else to finish the series. I don't want to stop the series before it's finished. BackComments
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This is a special edition of my series of blogs on the ridiculous, flawed, unethical, foolish or flat-out insane things that Republican Senate candidates have said, done or proposed doing.