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Kansas: Todd Tihart and Jerry Moran are in a pitched battle for the Republican nomination for Kansas Senate (primary: August 3). There are a number of crucial differences between the candidates, for example, where Moran is completely out of his mind, Tihart has gone off the deep end. In other words, Tihart is trying to flank Moran on the right and Moran is cutting around Tihart to get to the right. If you’re confused, a demonstration can be seen with regards to the Healthcare law passed by Democrats early this year. It is no surprise that these Republican Congressmen voted against the bill; the GOP was as unanimous as it was wrong. What is interesting, however, is the repeal efforts that have come since. Only the fringiest of the fringe have the gall to look the American public in the eye and say with a straight face, “I do not want you to have access to healthcare.” Moran and Tihart go even further than that. Each of them has argued that they were the first to call for repeal. They are fighting over which one wants to kick me off of my parents insurance more. Each of them wants to stand up for rescission and fight for the pre-existing condition more than the other. After all, without fighters like Moran and Tihart, who would stand up for the underprivileged healthcare conglomerate and, more importantly, who would do it more than the other? Louisiana: I’m going to use this space to reveal a theory that has increasingly made sense to me as a way to explain David Vitter’s behavior. I don’t think Vitter is an American citizen. I don’t think he was born in America at all, or on the planet Earth for that matter. That’s right. David Vitter is literally an illegal alien (think like the bug thing from Men in Black that wore that suit made of a person.) I know it seems farfetched, but how else do you explain the fact that he is still in office years after the DC Madame, he admitted to using, committed suicide? I’m not saying that Vitter is definitely a Martian, but someone born on this planet should have the common sense not to hire an aid-who attacked his girlfriend with a knife, to work on women’s issues. I’ve certainly never seen Vitter’s birth certificate and even if I do see it, it wouldn’t be hard for someone who has mastered interplanetary travel to fake a legal document. Even his attempts to discredit Obama’s place of birth (I am not joking about that part, Vitter is actually a birther) seem to fit when one considers that his first goal would be to distract speculation from himself. All of this leads us to one question: why? Why would Vitter have traversed the vast emptiness of space to fill a role as one of 100 Senators? One possibility is that he is an advance agent, here to weaken our readiness to repel the coming attack by discrediting our leaders. I doubt, however, that an advanced alien race would have no one more competent to that role than Vitter. With that in mind, I think a much more likely reason, for his interplanetary emigration, is simply that his home world got tired of him and kicked him out. Maybe Louisiana will do the same in November. My more astute readers may have noticed that I skipped something. Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about Kentucky, I just felt that Rand Paul deserved more space than I had available here. The entire next installment will be dedicated to the Archduke of Crazytown. BackComments
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This is the fourth part in a series that can go on until the November midterm elections on the ridiculous, flawed, unethical, foolish or flat-out insane things that Republican Senate candidates have said, done or proposed doing.